As you read this, columnist Roger Knox will be trying unsuccessfully to make his Christmas wrapping look as beautiful and professional as these. (Thinkstock photo)

As you read this, columnist Roger Knox will be trying unsuccessfully to make his Christmas wrapping look as beautiful and professional as these. (Thinkstock photo)

COLUMN: Wrapping up Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

If you think I’m rhyming this column

You thought wrong

Well here it is, the day before Santa – who has been given clearance by professional health-care people everywhere to fly with his nine reindeer to deliver presents to good little girls and little boys, but never adults – gets into his sleigh.

I write this on Tuesday, Dec. 22, and, as usual, I’ve not finished Christmas shopping.

Every year I vow to be like some of those goodie-goodies who have Christmas shopping and presents wrapped by April, but alas, I disavow that and head out with hordes of other like-minded men, some women, the week before Christmas.

I’m spurred on by my friend Doyle in Kelowna, who I chatted with Sunday. I asked him if he was ready for Christmas:

“Oh, hell no,” said Doyle confidently. “I always start on Dec. 20. Except I’m starting on Dec. 21 this year.”

If Doyle can do it, I can do it.

Except I’m not really a fan of crowds.

And then, when I finally HAVE finished buying presents, I have to wrap them.

This is where my blood pressure rises. Significantly.

I could wiggle out of wrapping by purchasing Christmas gift bags, but then that spoils the excitement and look on my kid’s face when he rips open a gift in 10 seconds that took me 10 minutes to wrap. Not to mention the paper cuts he gets.

As you read this, I will be trying unsuccessfully to cut wrapping paper straight, wrapping paper around things that don’t come in boxes and cursing loudly as I try to open and/or find the end of the Scotch tape.

It will take me, approximately, two hours, three rolls of wrapping paper (and yes, I love keeping the cardboard remnant and bashing my son and others endlessly with it), six rolls of tape (only because I can’t find the ends) and three beers before I’m able to put gifts under the tree. Then, it will be time for a well-deserved glass of my new favourite beverage, Forty Creek Nanaimo Bar Cream, on the rocks.

So what do I want for Christmas?

Well, my coworkers will tell you new eyes and ears would be a good start.

We have a monitor in the newsroom that shows what the competition is up to. One day, there was this headline, which I couldn’t read (the competition should use bloody bigger fonts). I asked editor Caitlin Clow if the story was about a typewriter, which is what I was seeing in the accompanying picture.

Clow: “What typewriter?”

Me: “The one on that lead story.”

Clow: “That’s a grizzly bear.”

Seriously, spending time with my son and his partner is the best Christmas gift for me. I’m blessed to still have a job, have great friends and one day, when this pandemic is over, Christmas will come to everyone as we can all get together again and celebrate.

Speaking of the pandemic, it’s Christmas time. Let’s have a truce between believers and non-believers on social media. Lord knows we can all use it.

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