President Donald Trump wears a face mask as he walks down a hallway during a visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., Saturday, July 11, 2020. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)

Mitchell’s Musings: Trump targets winning strategy with staff

Yet another strategy meeting behind closed doors at the White House:

Donald Trump: “Okay boys, and girls, I’m starting to think we may have a problem here, no matter how many times I tell the American people we’re doing fine. It’s almost like they don’t believe me anymore or something. Any ideas? Keeping in mind that if they work they’ll be my ideas and if they don’t, well, good luck in the private sector.”

Aide No. 1: “Well, the polls don’t look very good, sir?”

Trump: “I’m suing them already. Fake news. Next?”

Aide No. 2: “Well, the John Bolton book and the Mary Trump book coming out saying you’re unfit for office and a danger to democracy didn’t help either, sir.”

Trump: “Again, sued them too. Didn’t exactly keep the books from coming out, but it’s all lies from people just trying to get back at me. Everyone knows that. Yesterday’s news, already. Next?”

Aide No. 3: “The huge number of people unemployed is concerning.”

Trump: “What the….? Did you not see last month’s jobs report? Way better than expected. We’re adding jobs by the thousands. It’s all how you look at it. Besides the stock market is doing fine thank you very much. It’s going up, up, up… for some reason, I don’t know. But what I do know is I’m taking credit for it and my rich buddies, who I gave that sweet tax break to at the beginning, are happy, happy, happy and that’s good enough for me. It keeps the money flowing in. Next?”

Aide No. 4: “Well, some of your comments against Black Lives Matter protests and in defence of the legacies of Confederate generals are, well, not that helpful.”

Trump: “You mean coming out against the cancel culture and for law and order? That’s basic stuff, as in playing to my base, that’s a pun, get it, oh boy, I’m clever. Just wait until they try and topple a Ronald McDonald statue. I’ll be all over it, that’s hitting close to home in my book.”

Aide No. 1: “With all due respect sir, that base you talk about is getting smaller, and we need to appeal to swing voters to win this November’s election. What’s the strategy on that, sir?”

Trump: “Well, that’s why I’ve moved on from law and order to schools. Everyone, conservatives and liberals alike, wants to get rid of their bratty kids this fall. They’re driving them crazy, literally. Why even Baron, a perfect kid, really – Stable Genius 2, if you like – is beginning to get on my nerves. They can only play video games for so long.”

Aide No. 2: “Well, sir, at the risk of using the ‘c’ word or the ‘p’ word, the way things are going it might not be safe to send kids back to school in the fall.”

Trump: “What you taking about, Willis? Kids don’t get it, dummy. Everyone knows that. Sure we’ve got a few hot spots to put out, who doesn’t? Well, we’ve got more than anybody but you’re missing the point. I’ve already stopped going to update meetings, muzzled Fauci, in fact I’m now attacking Fauci, and in a grand gesture I even wore a mask at a hospital last week. Do you know how hard that was for me to do? It mussed up my hair. Now, that’s leadership. Did you miss that? Plus, I never use the word ‘coronavirus’ or ‘pandemic’ unless I have to so I’m ignoring it, er, I mean, dealing with it as best I can. We have to get the economy and the schools back to normal before the election, come hell or high water.”

Aide No. 3: “We might be there already, sir, considering how things are and Global Warming and all.”

Trump: “OMG, who hired you?”

Aide No. 3. “You did, sir.”

Trump: “Well, I’m firing you now. Anybody got anything else to offer?”

Deafening silence.

Trump: “Get me Barr. I want to pardon Gen. Flynn. And fire Fauci. Can I fire Fauci? Of course I can, I’m the president of the United State of America. Gee, I like the sound of that.”

Glenn Mitchell is a columnist and former editor of the Morning Star.

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