Somewhere on the top floor of the Trump Tower around 10:30 p.m. EST on Tuesday, a well-placed tape recorder somehow picked up the following conversation while the family was watching the election results come in on FOX news channel.
Donald Trump: “What’s going on here?”
Ivanka Trump: “What do you mean daddy, it looks like you’re going to win. That’s amazing.”
Donald: “It sure is. So what am I supposed to do now?”
Melania: “Be president, of course. Don’t be silly.”
Donald: “I’m not being silly. I was just doing this for kicks. You know for a little attention. OK I got a huge amount of attention. Did you see those rallies, truly amazing, thousands of people just to come out and see me? I just wanted to prove those Republican cronies wrong, and the dishonest media, and those rigged pollsters, and those so-called pundits and all those crooked Hillary fans and all those....”
Donald Jr: “And you did dad, and now you get to be president. It’s the American dream come true.”
Donald: “No, it’s not. I’m already living the dream by being me: rich, a beautiful wife, great kids, amazing buildings all over the place, a mansion in Florida, my name on everything...”
Ivanka: “And now you get to be president and live in the White House.”
Donald: “Right. Have you seen that place? It’s a dump. It’s very old too. And I didn’t have it built either. I’m not leaving here for there, no way. How many bathrooms does it have anyway? And they might not let me put up a giant T on the front lawn either?”
Barron Trump: “I don’t wanna move. I like it here in Trump Tower.”
Donald: “Finally someone’s talking some sense. Look, this has been fun and I’ve done amazingly well and obviously I’m a bigger winner than even I, and everybody else thought for that matter. What happened to all those polls that said I was going to lose, I know they were rigged and everything but, geez, don’t those guys know what they’re talking about? We even paid some of those guys, I want my money back. I’ll sue them all.”
Don Jr.: “About that dad. As president you can’t really go around suing everybody that gets in your face.”
Donald: “But that’s how I got this far. It’s the American way. I’m going to let you in on a little secret son. I know not many people noticed, apparently not enough anyway, but I’ve been kind of winging this political thing from the beginning. I just start talking and people like what they hear, well except for the pinko media who twist everything around and make me sound, well, you know, like I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Don Jr.: “But that’s what the average American likes about you. You call it as you see it and they identify with you as one of them, even though, ironically you’re filthy rich, unlike them, as you like to tell them over and over. You’re like a successful version of them and if they ever get that little break like you got, well, then, they are also on their way to the American dream.”
Donald: “Yeah, but they’re not likely to be handed a million dollars, and it was only a million mind you, and a ton of connections in New York and....
Melania: “It doesn’t matter. They like you. They want to have a beer with you and not Hillary.”
Donald: “And I don’t even drink. Ha. There’s a lot of irony here isn’t there? Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll make America Great Again. Sounds like a lot of work and responsibility to me. And I guess I’ll have to behave a little better and watch what I say. But, hey, it can be like The Apprentice. I’ll just surround myself with smart people and I’ll be fine. After all I’m a winner. I just proved it once again. What could possibly go wrong?”