If laughter is indeed the best medicine out there, please keep reading for some of the funniest sports quotes from all over in 2014, and some retro classics. And have yourself a fabulous 2015.
n “We tried everything. We played four white guys and an Egyptian. — Louisville Cardinals men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino responding to the suggestion he was running up the score after beating Savannah State 87-26,
n “Some guys play hockey. Gretzky plays 40 mph chess.” — Lowell Cohn, Sportswriter
n “I didn’t know if he had enough left tonight. But I did know that boy would try to steal a steak off the devil’s plate.” — San Francisco Giants pitcher and World Series MVP Madison Bumgarner’s father, Kevin, after his son earned the save in Game 7,
n “It’s absolutely brilliant, but I’m not going for it.” — Los Angeles Lakers’ guard Kobe Bryant on the idea of taking a “hometown discount,”
n “She actually is. I’m not going to lie. She really is. — UFC fighter Miesha Tate on rival Ronda Rousey, after she was asked whether Rousey “was stinky,”
n “Five letters here just for everybody out there in Packer-land: R-E-L-A-X.” — Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers after the team’s 1-2 start.
n “This year, I’d like to steal a team plane.” — Greg Minton, Giants’ reliever, on what his goals were for the 1984 Major League season.
n “It was miserable. I hated it. But it was great fun.” — LSU Tigers head football coach Les Miles on his family vacation to Austin, Texas (to visit his daughter who is on the Texas Longhorns’ swim team)
n “Spinks doesn’t need a weigh-in. He needs a way out.” — comedian Jackie Mason forecasting the Mike Tyson-Michael Spinks fight in 1988.
n “You can tell they really wanted to run crossing routes, but on the first one they met Kam Chancellor.” —Seattle Seahawks’ linebacker Bobby Wagner on strong safety Chancellor’s huge, tone-setting hit on Denver Broncos’ wideout Demaryius Thomas in Super Bowl XLVIII,
n “It’s almost exciting to think about all the room for improvement that we have.” — New York Jets’ quarterback Geno Smith sees the glass half-full.
n “Some guys score and some guys don’t. We got a lot that don’t.” – Detroit Red Wings’ coach Mike Babcock.
n “I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment I hit my face against the player leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth. — Barcelona forward Luis Suarez’s official statement after biting Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini while playing for Uruguay during the 2014 FIFA World Cup.
n “They both wear No. 12.” — New England Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick when asked to comment on the similarities/differences between quarterbacks Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers (before walking off the podium),
n “We knew we had 20 minutes left to put it all out there and then (d-man Keith) Yandle said: ‘We can’t lose on Bobblehead Night.’” — Mike Smith after the Coyotes rallied to beat the Caps on Mike Smith Bobblehead Night.
n “Homers, bro. Chicks dig the long ball. Score ‘em all, bro. Just be the chauffeur, driving them home.” – Nick Swisher.
n “When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately – unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something.” – Dick Butkus of the Chicago Bears.
n “I remember what Ron Greschner said when he retired. ‘The thing I’m going to miss most is showering with 23 guys.’ And that’s what it’s all about: camaraderie.” Rangers’ goalie Mike Richter, about six months before announcing his retirement.
n “My best drinker couldn’t drink and my best goal scorer was the best drinker.” — Don Cherry, on coaching the Colorado Rockies.
n “I walk into the clubhouse today and it’s like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the seventh inning he’d already drunk it.” – Tommy Lasorda.
n “Why is a puck called a puck? Because dirty little bastard was taken.” – goalie Martin Brodeur.
n “The truth is, I’d give it all up to be a rock star.” — Don Ohlmeyer, NBC Sports producer.
n “Sammy (Pollock) sent me down on a 24-hour recall, but he must of meant 24 years because he hasn’t called me up yet.” — former Vancouver Canuck captain Larry McNabb.
n “You can’t think and hit at the same time. “ — Yankee catcher Yogi Berra.
n “Who’s smarter? A guy going nowhere in hockey, playing in the snow in Wisconsin or a guy going nowhere in hockey, playing in the sun in San Diego (USIU Gulls, NCAA)?” — Edmonton’s Mickey McMarthy.
n “To play nose tackle in the NFL, you have to be unemployed or crazy. I was unemployed. The other part is still up in the air.” — Bob Golic of the Cleveland Browns.
n “Cross country skiing’s not a sport, it’s how a (bleeping) Swede goes to the 7-Eleven.” — author Dan Jenkins, in You Gotta Play Hurt.