When Ruby Swanson’s 16-year-old son Carl decided to reveal his sexual orientation to her for the first time one afternoon in 2002, her first reaction was fear.
“I had no idea my son was gay. It was a shock,” she recalled.
“When he did come out to me and said he wanted to start a Gay-Straight Alliance at his school, I said, ‘Over my dead body — you’re going to be quiet, you’re going get through high school and you’re not going to cause any problems for yourself.’”
Carl, who was then a senior at Strathcona High school in Edmonton, where the family of four lived, had come to his mother’s office after phoning to say he needed to talk. When he arrived, he closed the door and said, ‘I’m gay.’
It was a moment that changed the course of Swanson’s life as much her her son’s, and is the subject her memoir, A Family Outing, (Cormorant Books) which she will be promoting at an event at Bookland on Saturday.
“I think I reacted the way I did because when he said he wanted to talk to me, it was something different than I thought,” she recalled.
“I had just recently watched The Cider House Rules, which is, among other things, about abortion, and it prompted me to want to talk to him about birth control. And while I was talking to Carl about it, he said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll never get a girl pregnant.’ Six months later he came out to his dad.”
It would be several months before Carl came out to her.
The initial fear she experienced, Swanson explained, did not come from “a place of ignorance,” but rather from a place of concern.
“I was so worried about his safety. It’s not that I wanted my son’s life to be easy, I just didn’t want it to be hard.”
Swanson further explained, that having grown up in “a very conservative time,” she became alarmed by Carl’s news because it reminded her of how “cruel and small-minded” people could be.
“I was concerned that if Carl openly identified himself as different at school, who knew what would happen to him and I didn’t want to see my son get hurt.”
When Carl persisted with his goal to start GSA at his school, Swanson said it lead to months of arguments.
“He said, ‘I have to do this,’ and I said, ‘I’m not letting you.’ He told me if he didn’t do it, no one else would. ‘Mom,’ he said. ‘There are kids in school who have nowhere safe to go.’”
Despite his mother’s initial misgivings, Carl did start a Gay-Straight alliance, and is credited with founding Strathcona High School’s first, which Swanson pointed out is still in existence today.
When he completed high school, Carl moved to Toronto to attend university, and happily, still lives there today. He also went on to become a founder a of Camp fYrefly, a summer leadership retreat for LGBTQ youth.
Miraculously, she added, her concerns for her son’s safety were largely unfounded.
“It turns out I worried way too much. All the things I was afraid would happen, didn’t. I was completely wrong, and he was completely right,” she said.
“Carl is great. He always was. He has strength of character. He’s done so well.”
Well, Swanson noted, she wasn’t entirely wrong.
“In 2005 the same sex marriage debate started and it brought out all the horrible, horrible homophobia that heard when I was a kid and slurs I remember hearing in the hallways in high school. And I couldn’t just sit back and listen to it.”
In the years that followed, Swanson was active in the pro-same sex marriage movement, and, along with her husband, became out-spoken advocates for LGBTQ rights and remain active members of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
Her hope, through the release of A Family Outing, is to offer a guide for other parents, as well as friends and other family members who want to know how to react, and how to best support those exiting the closet.
Ruby Swanson will be reading from her memoir, A Family Outing, and signing copies at Bookland on Saturday, March 31, from 1 - 3 p.m.
Erin Christie
Morning Star Staff
@VernonNews
erin.christie@vernonmorningstar.com
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