Thanks to obtaining a secret tape, and the ability to lip read from across the room, here for your reading enjoyment is the actual transcript of that social encounter that recently went viral between three heads of state at the NATO meetings in London, England.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada: “Hey, how did you guys make out with Trumper? He decided to have a 40-minute press conference during our sit-down session and all I could do was sit there and show off my cool socks. Well, except when he challenged me about our contribution to NATO. Such a jerk.”
President Emmanuel Macron of France: “That’s nothing. He kept hassling me about saying NATO is brain dead and I reminded him about all the crap he’s said about NATO in the past, and he just looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Well, that might work in America but not on this side of the Atlantic. I was very tempted to use the brain dead reference again.”
President Boris Johnson of United Kingdom: “Well at least he talks to you guys about real stuff. The only thing he says to me is, “Who cuts your hair Boris?” And I come back with “And yours?” I”m pretty sure it’s not real. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to pretend to be his best friend because when Brexit goes through and we’re out of the EU, who are we going to trade with, Latvia?”
Johnson: “Oh, right, the U.S. and Canada, of course. It almost goes without saying.”
Trudeau: “And you think you have to pretend to be his best friend? Do you remember what he and his advisors called me after the G7 in Quebec last year? And I don’t even know what I did wrong. And most of our trade, by far, is with the U.S. Sacre bleu.”
Macron: “I find it helps if you praise him a lot. Even then I’m not sure if he gets stuff. It’s like I’m talking a different language, ha, and I think my English might be better than his.”
Johnson: “Well I know my English is better than his, because I’m from England after all. I’ve got an election to win next week so who knows if I’ll be around anyway. And maybe this impeachment thing will finish him off. Whaddya think Justin, you’re his neighbour. Is he toast?”
Trudeau: “I don’t know. He’s had countless scandals before where I thought he might go down – you know, Stormy Daniels, tax returns, the Donald Trump Foundation, Charlottesville, cabinet departures, criminal charges, firing James Comey, golfing at his own resorts constantly, Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Jeffrey Epstein, tariffs, walls, the Mueller Report, to name a few – and somehow he doesn’t. And I have one little SNC Lavalin thing and an Aladdin costume and I almost don’t survive an election with Andrew Scheer? Have you guys met Andrew Scheer? What gives?”
Macron: “I blame the Fox News bubble. Or the 20-minute news cycle. Or the Democrats. They can’t beat this guy? Let’s get serious.”
Johnson: “I have to get serious. I’ve got an election to win. And if I don’t, it’s been nice knowing you guys. I’ll miss our world stage get-togethers. These appetizers are positively scrumptious”
Trudeau: “I’ll miss you Boris (smiling). And so will the catering staff.”
Macron: “Moi aussi bon ami. Now if we can just find a way to miss Trumper.”
Johnson: “There’s always colluding with the Russians to fix the U.S. election. Only this time Trumper loses.”
Trudeau, Macron and Johnson all look at each other, and nod in agreement while quickly looking over their shoulders to see if anyone’s watching.