MITCHELL’S MUSINGS: To Twitter or not to Twitter

Columnist imagines a world where White House aides ask president to stop tweeting

Overheard voices earlier this week coming out of the White House in Washington D.C., from near the Oval Office.

President Donald J. Trump: Okay boys what have you got for me today?

Aide No. 1: Well, sir, it’s a bit of a difficult topic but we feel it’s important in order to win the upcoming election.

Trump: Okay, then, what is it for goodness sake? Obviously, I want to win the 2020 election and keep the Democrats/Communists out of the White House.

Aide No. 2: Well, we want you to stop tweeting, sir.

Trump: What? Totally tweet-free? I don’t know if I could do that. Do you know how many followers I have? More than any other president in history. Okay, maybe some of them didn’t have Twitter in their day but it’s still a really, really big number. Actually, it’s 62,764,259 if you must know but it could have gone up since 5 a.m. this morning. It’s also how I bypass the enemies-of-the-state media with their fake news. You can’t trust them, you know.

Aide No. 3: We know sir but you also tend to be a little colourful and emotional on Twitter and when you lash back at your critics you tend to get a little unpresidential, shall we say. And sometimes your spelling is a bit, well, creative.

Trump: That’s what people like. I’m a straight shooter, I’m not politically correct, I give no credence to protocol and I’ll say anything.

Aide No. 1: Um, that’s part of the problem, sir. You pick fights that get you in trouble and divert the message when we should be riding high in the polls on the great economy and stock market.

Trump: That’s cause I gave all my rich buddies tax cuts and got rid of all that environmental regulation and stuff that was getting in the way of making money.

Aide No. 2: Exactly. Which basically translates to Make America Great Again or whatever new slogan we come up for 2020. You see you come off a little rough around the edges on Twitter, which some say includes shades of misogyny, racism and just plain meanness. Let’s just say we want a little more Teleprompter Trump and a lot less Twitter Trump. Okay?

Trump: But I hate doing Teleprompter Trump.

Aide No. 1: You can’t tell sir (smiling).

Trump: It’s not me, it’s you guys.

Aide No. 2: Exactly sir, Now you’re starting to get it.

Trump: But I won the election handily over Hillary by being me. And the Russian hoax had nothing to do with it by the way. And I’m not racist. It’s what the people want, me being me. They love me, or they’re Communists.

Aide No. 3: It’s what your people want sir, but that’s not enough to win the election. We have to expand your base and getting rid of the Twitter scandals would be a huge start.

Trump: Well, it’s not like all my scandals, err… troubles, are a result of my Twitter posts.

Aide No. 1: We fully realize that sir. There’s the rallies, the international functions, your family, your staff, the trade wars, your attorney general, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

Trump: I’ll tell you what I’m going to do and it’s much more satisfying than dumping Twitter, a thing I love by the way.

Aide No. 2: What’s that sir?

Trump: As I used to say on The Apprentice: you’re fired, you’re fired and you’re fired. Now get out of here and get me my phone. Also, turn on the TV too will ya? I gotta see what I missed. Oh look (pointing at phone) it’s gone up to 62,764,263. Quit Twitter, ha, I don’t think so.

Glenn Mitchell is the former editor of The Morning Star

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Vernonites encouraged to get active for National Fitness Day

National Health and Fitness Day takes place this Saturday, June 6

Injured 71-year-old mountain biker rescued from Vernon trail

Vernon firefighters assisted with the rescue in Ellison Provincial Park

Get Outdoors! Our lake of many colours

Take a look at what’s behind Kalamalka Lake’s colours

Black Lives Matter protester stands alone in Vernon

Rumblings of a citywide protest continue across social media platforms

Water restrictions in place for Armstrong

City of Armstrong switches water source to wells, still safe to use

Second video of Kelowna RCMP arrest shows Mountie punching suspect at least 10 times

The officer involved in the incident has been reassigned to administrative duties

Plan in place for BC Ferries to start increasing service levels

Ferry corporation reaches temporary service level agreement with province

B.C. starts to see employment return under COVID-19 rules

Jobless rate for young people still over 20% in May

Flooding prompts closure of parks along Shuswap and Mara lakes

Boaters asked to respect No Wake policy protecting properties along water

Cyclist in serious condition after being hit by dump truck in Kelowna

The woman sustained injuries to one of her legs, according to RCMP

Olympic athlete sends shout-out to Cawston Primary students

Canadian Olympic sprinter Khamica Bingham participated in one of the school’s long-time traditions

Kelowna Mountie on desk duty following ‘aggressive’ arrest

The officer involved in an arrest that took place on May 30 in Kelowna has been placed on administrative duties

Protests shift to memorializing George Floyd amid push for change

‘There is something better on the other side of this,’ says Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottom

Most Read